Lincoln Rail

The Canyon Man And His Fight Against Modern Technology

Nowadays, it’s pretty much a given that we have entered what can only be considered the modern age (though the so-called ‘modern age’ supposedly started in 1700). In fact, modernity is everywhere one cares to look, and even the Amish are getting in on the act, putting new ultralight horseshoes on their animals that promise 50 miles per bag of oats, at minimum.

However, there’s one guy who is still refusing to leave the Age of Sail and get with at least the Age of Aquarius, let alone the age of digital cellular communication. Known as ‘Canyon Man, ‘ this guy can be seen working under his car every Sunday morning, surrounded by a cloud of noxious exhaust fumes whenever it’s running. If he has his way, he’ll even be buried in that car, sad to say.

Now why Mr. Canyon Man is still sporting a leather watch band that probably came off the back of some poor animal who didn’t quite live up to expectations back in 1902 is a definite question for the ages, but the fact is he’s out there supporting it and will never consider what futurists refer to as ‘digital watches’ and what most people refer to as just a ‘watch’ nowadays.

In addition, Mr. Canyon Man can’t bear the thought of giving up that beloved television of his. Everybody knows what it looks like, and the chances are fairly high that the wood the console was made of came off some sailing ship that went down off the Carolina coast during the War of 1812 or thereabouts. The picture tube crackles and hisses, but Canyon Man loves it with a passion bordering on something resembling what Rasputin the Mad Monk demonstrated on occasion.

For those considering tying Canyon Man down and gifting him with a custom LCD TV, forget about it. Not only wouldn’t he even come close to touching it, but he probably would go into a catatonic trance if he heard the words ‘digital video disc player.’ At a minimum, he would go frothy-mouthed with rage at being forced to watch even a video cassette, not that he could probably announce the word anyway.

Now that digital video signals have completely taken over the airwaves, it’s probably a fair bet that Canyon Man is sitting in his house pounding on the side of that big old console TV wondering how to get all that snow off the picture. If the words ‘digital converter box’ ever pass his lips, it will be time to wonder if the Second Coming has arrived. Certainly, a TV with LED backlight technology will forever be beyond his grasp, both intellectually and morally.

For those standing on the sidelines — fully ensconced in all things digital and wondering why Canyon Man continues to tilt at his imaginary windmills — take comfort in knowing that he is out there acting somewhat like a canary in a coal mine, sitting in his 40-year-old beater mobile and sporting his studio 54 leisure suits. If aliens ever decide to baffle us through digital waves, he’ll be there to warn us that they’re on to us, and that’s a fairly comforting thought, it must be admitted.

HD – East Midlands Trains Doncaster to Lincoln Special’s 05/12/09