Lincoln Novelty

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith

Abraham Lincoln: the man. Born into humble means, lost his mother at nine, almost completely self-educated, buried his first love Ann Rutledge and two sons, Edward and William, eventually murdered. A life filled with great tragedy.

Abraham Lincoln: the politician. A self-made man, an honest country lawyer, great orator and renown debater, the sixteenth President of the United States, the protector of the Union, the Great Emancipator, eventually assassinated. A life filled with hope, resolve and great courage.

Abraham Lincoln: the vampire hunter. Driven by an unquenchable anger and fury to hunt and destroy vampires, strong, athletic, and extraordinarily skilled with an axe, a slayer of many demons without the tutelage of a Watcher with a funny British accent, no fan of Stephenie Meyer, but will admit Rob Pattinson has nice hair, eventually killed. A life filled with brutality and yucky blood spurting neck stumps.

Like one of those insidious SAT questions, one of these things is unlike the other. Can you guess which one? Put down the #2 pencil, and just guess; there are no answer bubbles here to color in. If you answered Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (and who wouldn’t answer this, if only for the fact it’s so fun to say. C’mon say it with me now, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Sounds so mellifluous, doesn’t it?), then see the lady at the door for your cookie.

Now it’s completely incongruous—bordering on whimsical silliness—to equate Abraham Lincoln with vampire slaying. Like equating deep thoughts to Mickey Mouse, it’s totally beyond reasonable comprehension. (Besides Donald Duck is clearly the metaphysician of the Disney bunch, because no one can understand what he’s saying.) Actually, it’s utterly silly to equate anyone with vampire slaying, but having Honest Abe staking the fanged buggers really stretches credulity. (Now mummy slaying is a different set of bones. I totally see Abe kicking some Tutankhamen heinie.)

But being so seemingly incongruous is part of the fun—and most of the joke in Seth Grahame-Smith’s horror/historical mash-up Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. (Doesn’t that just sound like something fresh from the mind of Mel Brooks?) Written in the style of a stuffy historical biography, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter reveals the secret life of the sixteenth President: the one that has him hunting the Midwest prairies at night for Kentucky-Fried Draculas. Extra-crispy style.

Grahame-Smith cleverly works the vampire hunting bits into Lincoln’s life story, re-interpreting pivotal events in Abe’s life to provide motivation and drama to the novel. Though Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is essentially a one-joke book, Grahame-Smith is smart enough to keep the narrative quickly moving along before the novelty exhausts itself. While it reads like a historical biography, the novel sacrifices much of its historical detail for pace. Most of the novel focuses on events early in Lincoln’s life, an area ripe for Grahame-Smith’s fabrications. Lincoln’s presidency and role in the American Civil War is surprisingly understated in the book, most likely because this time in Lincoln’s life is so well-documented, it’s harder to add fictional vampire hunting escapades.

Abe’s vampire hunting is rather straightforward and only moderately engaging; the more interesting aspect is how Grahame-Smith interweaves Abe’s fictional battles with his real life. Anyone anticipating heart-pounding action sequences in which Abe goes mano e mano with vampires will be seriously disappointed. This isn’t Abe re-imagined as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. See, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is primarily a historical biography misinterpreted. Like you decided to take a real biography of Lincoln, and write your own vampire bits in the margins. It’s history meets fan fiction; it’s what Twilight-obsessed girls daydream about in AP American History. Forget Team Jacob or Team Edward; this is Team Abraham. If you find historical biographies boring and dull, you’ll want to pass this one by, because no matter how much vampire hunting you add to a biography, it’s still a biography. (Unless you are talking about Gandhi’s biography; he was twice the vampire hunter Lincoln was.)

Judge me if you wish, but I enjoy studying history. It’s shameful, but it’s a shame I can proudly call my own. The more I read of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, the more I wanted to read a real biography of the man. That’s a good thing. (It means some historian is about to make some cheddar.) If Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter can motivate readers to discover, and maybe enjoy history, that’s a serious positive in its favor.  Whether that will happen, I have serious doubts. But if the most interesting aspect of reading Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is reading about Abe’s true life story, what’s that say about the horror element to this mash-up? Maybe that it’s underwhelming, or dare I mock—I dare, I dare—a tad bit toothless.

Don’t get me wrong, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is a solid novel; I enjoyed the experience. I just wouldn’t venture into a burning building to save it. It’s a great idea, just a bit flawed in reality.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10

About the Author

Computer geek, mathematician, philosopher, blogger. Happily married, father of one. Always exhausted. You can read more of my reviews at Blood of the Muse.

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